Needless to say, the thought for this week is on the heels of my father's passing. His funeral happens to be tomorrow and my mind is so crowded that I had to journal today. The funny thing about a funeral is that while it is the result of a person's death, it tends to resurrect all of the good, bad and even ugly details of the relationship you had with your "loved" one.
My dad, Wayne, was funny, humble, kindhearted, intelligent, and handsome (with hazel eyes). But let me say the hard thing...my father was a Vietnam War-infected alcoholic. He wasn't there for me, he was inconsistent and he broke promises all the time. I loved him so much. I designed his funeral service program last night and had the complicated task of also writing his obituary. I never knew my paternal grandfather - not even his name. During the "cancer season" there was no time to ask that because I had so many other questions for my dad in these last few months. The family tree was the least of my concern.
I spent my teenage years searching for dad as he relocated from place to place. When he would land, we would keep in touch by telephone and the conversation was always the same. "Puddin' (his nickname for me) I'm sorry that I missed you growing up. You're my first born and I should've been there. I'm sorry....I'm sorry." The crazy thing is that while it sounded like he was sincerely crying over the phone, sometimes it was just a drunken stupor. I am sure that my dad loved me, but he just didn't know how....he was too sick and it had nothing to do with cancer.
This is what makes my relationship with God so wonderful. My inconsistencies, failures, flaws, and "jacked-upness" (I just made that up), have no effect on whether He will love me or not. He loves me and I know it. For that, I could actively love my dad and he knew it.
I'm so grateful for sharing the last lap of my dad's journey with him, sitting at his bedside, laughing, crying and talking with him. So today, I thank God for resolve, for peace and for His undying, consistent and active love toward me. Daddy, I will miss you and I'm so glad you received salvation so that we can spend more time together later. See you soon....Puddin'.
Thursday, June 14, 2012
Saturday, June 2, 2012
Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader?
Lord, I thank You for my wonderful children! I had a chat with my 11-year old (Briana) recently and asked her a question. "Briana, you've witnessed Mommy make a lot of mistakes since you've been here. What has been the greatest lesson you've learned from them?" With raised eyebrows, a nonchalant expression on her face and a shrug of her shoulders, she says to me, "I've learned to keep on going on".
Remember the post entitled "Are You A Living Contradiction?" In it I said, "...Each morning remind yourself that every tomorrow places you further and further away from your yesterday." Briana's response to me (although short) blessed my life because it was laced with the hope of tomorrow.
To her, the resolve is simple...just keep moving because tomorrow has to be better.
While I'd like to take credit for making life look easy, my children have seen me cry, yell, shut down, and yes, pray. But what I love about this is that Briana paid most attention to the fact that God caused me to get up and go every day. All the while, I'm striving to be an example to her (in my unsuccessful attempts at hiding my hurts) and it turns out that my baby girl has been the greatest example to me.
Children thrive on promise...they don't dwell on pain. I said to my girls about three or four years ago, "Ladies, you are going to see Mommy make some mistakes, but I promise you that you will also see me correct them". I had no idea of the magnitude of that statement back then, but I'm so glad that Briana never dwelt on the moments when it seemed as if we were losing because she remembered my promise to her.
Now here's what's great about that...God never makes a mistake! And when God makes promises He is very clear on what the outcome will be. We just have to be smart enough (like my 5th grader) to cling to the voice of His promise. The test...can you pass it?
Remember the post entitled "Are You A Living Contradiction?" In it I said, "...Each morning remind yourself that every tomorrow places you further and further away from your yesterday." Briana's response to me (although short) blessed my life because it was laced with the hope of tomorrow.
To her, the resolve is simple...just keep moving because tomorrow has to be better.
While I'd like to take credit for making life look easy, my children have seen me cry, yell, shut down, and yes, pray. But what I love about this is that Briana paid most attention to the fact that God caused me to get up and go every day. All the while, I'm striving to be an example to her (in my unsuccessful attempts at hiding my hurts) and it turns out that my baby girl has been the greatest example to me.
Children thrive on promise...they don't dwell on pain. I said to my girls about three or four years ago, "Ladies, you are going to see Mommy make some mistakes, but I promise you that you will also see me correct them". I had no idea of the magnitude of that statement back then, but I'm so glad that Briana never dwelt on the moments when it seemed as if we were losing because she remembered my promise to her.
Now here's what's great about that...God never makes a mistake! And when God makes promises He is very clear on what the outcome will be. We just have to be smart enough (like my 5th grader) to cling to the voice of His promise. The test...can you pass it?
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