The Funny Thing About A Funeral

Needless to say, the thought for this week is on the heels of my father's passing.  His funeral happens to be tomorrow and my mind is so crowded that I had to journal today.  The funny thing about a funeral is that while it is the result of a person's death, it tends to resurrect all of the good, bad and even ugly details of the relationship you had with your "loved" one.

My dad, Wayne, was funny, humble, kindhearted, intelligent, and handsome (with hazel eyes).  But let me say the hard thing...my father was a Vietnam War-infected alcoholic.  He wasn't there for me, he was inconsistent and he broke promises all the time.  I loved him so much.  I designed his funeral service program last night and had the complicated task of also writing his obituary.  I never knew my paternal grandfather - not even his name.  During the "cancer season" there was no time to ask that because I had so many other questions for my dad in these last few months.  The family tree was the least of my concern.

I spent my teenage years searching for dad as he relocated from place to place.  When he would land, we would keep in touch by telephone and the conversation was always the same.  "Puddin' (his nickname for me) I'm sorry that I missed you growing up.  You're my first born and I should've been there.  I'm sorry....I'm sorry."  The crazy thing is that while it sounded like he was sincerely crying over the phone, sometimes it was just a drunken stupor.  I am sure that my dad loved me, but he just didn't know how....he was too sick and it had nothing to do with cancer.

This is what makes my relationship with God so wonderful.  My inconsistencies, failures, flaws, and "jacked-upness" (I just made that up), have no effect on whether He will love me or not.  He loves me and I know it.  For that, I could actively love my dad and he knew it. 

I'm so grateful for sharing the last lap of my dad's journey with him, sitting at his bedside, laughing, crying and talking with him.  So today, I thank God for resolve, for peace and for His undying, consistent and active love toward me.  Daddy, I will miss you and I'm so glad you received salvation so that we can spend more time together later.  See you soon....Puddin'.